Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
