i think i have two assholes
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
