Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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