just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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