Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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