he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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