i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
