OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
