Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
