I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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