Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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