smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
