Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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