You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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