Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
