At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
