Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
