My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
