guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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