My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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