benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
