You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
