I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
