The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
