so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You're a waste of cheezeits
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
