Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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