Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
