I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
