I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize