he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
