I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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