If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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