my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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