i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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