Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
