I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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