Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
