nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
