I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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