He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Still dying that you shit outside
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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