How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
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