Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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