No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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