Already got asked if we're dating
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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