Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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