No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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