Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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