are you so shy because you have an std?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
