After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
