I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize