I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
