that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
