Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
