Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
