if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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